A new identity

A few weeks ago I was offered my first nursing job - and last week, after much dithering, I accepted it.  At the end of this year I will become a registered nurse, and then I will be working on the ITU at my local hospital.  ITU stands for Intensive Therapy Unit and is what used to be known as Intensive Care - it is where the very sickest patients are cared for, and each patient gets one-to-one nursing care, 24 hours a day.  I have so many emotions whirling around my head about this new job:

• pride - I've got a great job, in a specialism I desperately wanted to work in
• fear - I'm going to be a qualified nurse, responsible for the care of very poorly patients
• excitement - I'm going to be a qualified nurse, responsible for the care of very poorly patients
• motivation - I need to revise all my knowledge of acute nursing care, and learn so much more
• eagerness - I want to start now
• sartorial disappointment - I will be wearing scrubs rather than a traditional nursing uniform
• nervousness - can we put the brakes on, please? I've loved being back at University.

But mainly, with the knowledge that I have a good job waiting for me at the end of the year, I have relaxed and started to enjoy myself more.  I have always enjoyed nursing and been certain that this was what I wanted to do, but there has also been an underlying tension - could I really do this?  could I be good at this?  what effect was my change in career having on the family?  I was surprised to find that this tension disappeared when I finally sent the email to accept the job.

"Yes, I have a job in ITU," I tell people.  I'm getting used to saying it.  I have a new identity.  In my head I say to myself "I am an ITU nurse" - trying it out for size - and it feels right.

 

Confidence regained

Fresh, white uniform drying on the line

My nursing course has reached a new stage.  The teaching at University has now finished, and from now until I qualify at the end of December, I am out on placement (with a couple of holiday breaks in there too).  I have three stripes on my epaulettes, and the nurses I am working with expect much more from me now that I am in the final part of the course.

I didn't feel remotely ready to finish the teaching element of this course.  In the last week at University I became less and less convinced that I could ever work as a nurse.  The sheer enormity of what the job entails seemed overwhelming, and as we crammed in the last few bits of theory I felt derailed and uncertain that I could do this.  But after just one week back on placement, this time working in the frenetic and dramatic environment of one of the UK's biggest and busiest emergency departments, I have regained my confidence.  

Nursing is such a practical, hands-on job and when we are out on placement we are constantly doing - washing, giving medication, carrying out procedures and observations, documenting, assessing, making comfortable, feeding, communicating, soothing and investigating.  Since I started back in September 2012, I have learnt how to do all these practical skills, and become gradually more competent in them without even realising.

The theory is crucial too - medicine always needs to be based on the best available evidence, and without the theory to underpin the practice we are in danger of carrying out tasks ritualistically and unthinkingly.  We need the teaching and critical thinking skills that the University element of our course has given us, but on their own they're not much use.  I love placement for bringing the theory and the practice together, and I think that is ultimately what I love most about nursing - I get to use the academic side of my brain, whilst also doing something that is completely hands-on and practical.

Working in A&E is fascinating.  You see every possible type of person and condition you could ever imagine, along with things you never even thought possible or wanted to see.  I have never known a 12 and a half hour shift pass so quickly, and even three weekend nightshifts in a row didn't wipe me out as much as I thought they might.  At 4:30am, on the third night I cleaned and dressed a massive cavity wound in the foot of an elderly homeless patient who amazingly slept through the whole procedure and then woke up at the end to inspect the quality of my bandaging, say thank you and give me one of the broadest grins I have ever seen.  We had a laugh and a quick chat, which left me on a high for the rest of the shift, and I thought to myself, I can totally do this job.

Arriving at work for the start of Saturday's nightshift

Leaving work on Sunday morning, and heading home to bed

  

Thoughts on January

The first daffodils of 2014

For me, January has a clean, fresh feel to it.  It doesn't seem like the start of the year - for me that will always be the new school year in September - but rather, January is a tidying up and a re-grouping.  A shake of the shoulders, chin in the air, and carrying on with a renewed sense of determination.

Back at University today

A new term started for me today: a new module, new reading lists, new tutors, one new pen and no new notebook (so restrained of me), plus all my lovely nursing friends together again.  But, alarmingly, it's my last ever term of teaching on this course.  After this, I have placements until July, then the summer holidays off, and placements again up to Christmas, when I qualify.  Qualify!  It's pretty scary to even write that word. 

So I am enjoying the sense of calm and resolve that this time of year brings for me, and trying not to think too much about my time at University coming to an end.  I am grabbing as much fresh air as I can, looking out for the first British daffodil bunches in the shops (Waitrose had some this week!), running, baking bread, and reading novels.

 
And I'm also filling up all my spare days with plans of nice things I want to do while I still have a bit of time on my hands.  Its January now, and I've got the time and inclination to fritter away 20 minutes photographing blood oranges; but before I know it, it will be December and I'll be a fully qualified nurse.  Fewer blood oranges and more actual blood, I should imagine.  Not long now.
 

Where I was 2013

This year was a busy year.  I got used to working again.  I started to feel like a nurse.  I started to run - and I kept on running.

In March I had a lovely day with blogging friends, and Kristina gave us all handmade socks!

My parents and I took the children to the Cutty Sark over the Easter holidays

I knitted socks that matched my surgical textbook

In June I had a picnic in Victoria Park with some nursing friends

In August we went to see my parents in France, and I spent most of the time dozing in the hammock

I won some new running shoes!

I knitted some pink socks - started in the spring, finished in the autumn

Still running - I bought myself a running skirt and some fancy socks

Walking to university for lectures in October

Graham and I do parkrun every Saturday morning.  In almost-matching blue shoes.

A morning on the sofa after a long shift the day before

November leaves in London

Excellent, forgotten tights - found at the back of my sock drawer

Heading into university for the last time this year - to hand in my second year portfolio right before Christmas

Seasonal tights!

It was a good year.  A year of consolidation rather than new beginnings.  I tried to keep family life more or less the same, and incorporate work and study into it rather than let nursing dominate everything.  I didn't always manage it but it got easier as the year wore on.

It has been a peaceful but productive year, which is how I like it.

Ending the year in Norfolk with my brother's family

New Year's Eve beach walk in Norfolk

I ended the year with my brother and his family, who we don't get to see very often, in Norfolk.  We walked along sandy beaches under the vast empty skies, chatted, laughed, and eased into each other's company.  It was a perfect end to the year - with family... outdoors...relaxed.  Just how I like it. 

Graham and Cam - the same height now

Happy New Year!

~~~~~~~~~~

See all the previous Where I was posts here:
2007
2008
2009
2010
2011
2012

These are a few of my favourite things

In this final week before University begins again, I've managed to fit in an energetic end-of-summer visit to Kew Gardens, and a long anticipated trip to the British Museum to see the magnificent Life and Death in Pompeii and Hurculaneum exhibition.  Flowers, pumpkins, a tessalated glass roof, ancient artefacts and good friends - some of my very favourite things.

And now I am rubbing handcream into my hands, in anticipation of going back to University next week.  A nurse's hands are very dry and sore from all the handwashing and disinfectant alcohol handrub they have to endure, but mine have recovered somewhat over this long, lazy summer holiday.

I've done what reading I can, found a new notebook and printed off my timetable.  I've been baking every day and have filled the freezer with muffins and loaves of bread in anticipation of days when there's nothing for breakfast and I haven't even got the time or energy to eat a slice of soda bread, never mind bake one.  I can't believe it was a whole year ago that I started my course.  I've loved and needed the summer off, but I'm so pleased to be going back now.  

Along with going back to University, comes commuting once again, and therefore the return of sock knitting, which I can stuff into my bag and do on the tube.  I am obsessed with sock knittingat the moment, and I have come to realise that it is a cyclical enthusiasm - as soon as it is cool enough to wear hand knitted socks again, I remember how wonderful they are and feel compelled to knit more.  Stay tuned for sock updates!

10 small indulgences

• ice cream
• an espresso
• Parkrun
• day dreaming
• 10 minutes reading your book
• rubbing your fingers through a lavender bush
• eggs for breakfast
• a new magazine
• a bunch of 99p flowers from the supermarket
• buying a postcard

I have a long holiday from University this summer, and I plan to fill it with as many small indulgences as I can.  I'm off to a good start.

 

Exams

Revision cards - hundreds of them

I have been studying for an important exam - and in those moments where I become distracted, or weary, I gaze out of the window and remember all the other times in my life when I was preparing for, or sitting, exams.  There have been many; I seem to have chosen a path in life which has required many exams along the way.

• When I was sitting my GCSEs, I spent the morning before my English Literature paper sitting in the Oxford University Parks, kissing my boyfriend in the sunshine.  Not to the detriment of my studies though - I rocked up to school at lunchtime, sat the exam and still got an A.
• When I was studying for my A-levels I took things more seriously.  I think they still remain the exams I studied the hardest for. 
• At University I only sat exams in my final year.  Graham borrowed some of my notes to revise for the Cold War paper, and was very tardy at giving them back to me.
• A week before my University finals, I packed my little tent into my car, drove to the Norfolk coast and stayed there for a few days to revise in peace, by myself.  I lay in my tent, with the doors pegged open, reading American history textbooks and American war poems in the breezy sunshine.  I was very content and came back to campus to sit my finals with a nice suntan.
• It took me just under three years to qualify as an accountant.  During that time I sat sixteen exams, and passed them all at the first attempt, whilst working full-time as a trainee accountant.  Even though I am no longer an accountant, I am still very proud of that achievement.
• It felt a bit as if life was just one long exam at times, though.
• The tax exam was a bit too close for comfort - I got 51% and the passmark was 50%.
• During my very last accountancy exam, which I sat in Hackney Town Hall, I felt my first baby move in my belly for the first ever time.  I sat there, beaming to myself, and the invigilator quietly walked over to check if I was okay.

Now I am back at University for the second time, and sitting exams for the umpteenth time.  They don't get any easier or more pleasant, but the revision drill at least feels familiar; I know what needs to be done.  Even with all my experience of taking exams, this will be my first ever biology exam and the first time I have sat an exam in a church crypt.  

The nerves are starting to kick in.

My exam venue

Wearing nail varnish again

 

I have finished the first placement of my nursing course - 10 weeks working on the wards, under the supervision of qualified nurses.  I've now done 450 of the 2,400 hours required to qualify as a nurse.  It feels like a milestone.  

Inevitably there were challenging moments, but I truly loved it all, and met some lovely patients and inspiring nurses along the way.  This week I am on study leave, writing an essay, before going back to University next week.  It's a strange shift of perspective after doing such practical, physical work for the last ten weeks.  I'll be at University until the middle of May, when I go out on placement again.  I think this mixture of classroom learning and practical learning is one of the strengths of nursing education in the UK today - it makes for a stimulating and interesting course, and I think it will produce nurses who are practical but also thoughtful.  That's the sort of nurse I would want looking after me or my family.

I feel slightly jet-lagged after working long shifts and getting up at 5:20am on my work days.  It's lovely to now be able to lounge in bed in the mornings, wear my hair down, put nail varnish and my watch on again, and not be constantly washing and folding uniform.  I miss the people though, and am wondering how the patients I was looking after last week are getting on - have they gone home yet?

At least my essay distraction techniques have not been forgotten while I've been on placement - so far this morning I've washed the kitchen bin, made a batch of yogurt and now I'm blogging.  Happy times.

Essay time again

10 things

• I'm very tired, with dark smudges of sleeplessness under my eyes.
• I went to Kew Gardens today, walked miles and made myself even more tired.  Then I took photos of myself against a wall of orchids.

   

• My desk is a mess, which is very un-Nancy-like.
• I made Graham an apple and almond crumble cake for his birthday today - it is very, very good.
•  My laptop died.  I bought a new laptop as soon as I could because I have essays looming.  I find it scary spending that much money in one go; I'd be rubbish at being really rich.
• All my iTunes playlists somehow got wiped when I moved iTunes over to my new laptop.  What I thought was a disaster has been rather liberating and I am enjoying wasting hours of my time putting together new playlists.
• I've nearly finished my placement at hospital, and once this essay is handed in I go back to University for a few months.  I've loved working on the wards but I am looking forward to getting back to the lecture theatres and seeing all my friends again.  I can also use it as a legitimate excuse to buy new stationery.
• Olivia's very long, dark, thick hair goes up in a bun for ballet twice a week.  I love her hair like this.  How many buns have I made in the last seven years she's been doing ballet?

 

• Cam is watching Big Bang Theory, via our Lovefilm subscription - he loves it.  I am getting sucked in, and love it too.
• I made a loaf of raisin bread today.  Just because.  I shall take a couple of buttered slices with me to work tomorrow. 

Where I was - 2012

How can a year be so wonderful and so hard all at once?  That was 2012.

I started the year at home, going for walks in my usual favourite haunts - Epping Forest, Kew Gardens, Mum and Dad's house in France, the streets of London.

At Kew Gardens

 

In Epping Forest

 

Hiking in France

 

Life ticked along.

Waiting for the tube - reading my Kindle

Then in June I decided to see if I might be able to apply for a place at University in 2013 to do a post-graduate nursing degree, despite my lack of any science A-levels.  I took Olivia with me to the summer Open Day, and thought to myself there's no harm in finding out. 

By the end of the day I'd had a first interview (with Olivia sitting by my side - solemnly reading her Beano) and had been given a date for my second interview.  Two weeks later I had my offer - for 2012, not 2013.  What I thought might take a year to sort out, took just a fortnight.

Olivia reading her Beano , as we waited for a lecture on student finance at City University

In August the sportsmen came to town, and we all went to the Olympic Stadium.  Cam went as a performer too.

In the Olympic Park with flags - Cam and me

In September I started University for the second time and became a student nurse - the best, most overwhelming, most interesting thing I've done in my adult life.  So many injections, so much work, so many biology workbooks, so many flasks of coffee, so many hours referencing essays.

At West Smithfield - on my way home from the Health Sciences library

 

First day at university - lunch, a bottle of water and coffee

In December I left the comfort of the campus behind and started my first placement - working long shifts in a large London hospital.  On my first day, as I walked to the tube along dark, cold streets at 6am, I thought to myself 'this is the single most scary thing I've ever done in my life'.

An early morning walk for me and Graham - late November

And before I knew it, it was Christmas.  Two people in the family were very poorly and I was reeling with exhaustion.  I've spent the last few days feeling thankful:

• for lovely, long-limbed children, who are kind and who make me laugh
• for my own health - I've learnt this autumn and winter that you can't take health for granted
• for friends who let me doze on their sofa, and forgive me when I don't write and forget to post their Christmas presents
• for corner shops that sell Green and Blacks and decent cheap wine
• for the doctors and nurses who looked after my own loved ones so well - I hope other people might think the same of me one day.

Dad and Graham - in France, Easter 2012

Me and Nigel Slater - New Year's Eve 2012

Along the way there were also two new nieces, a second hip replacement operation for my Mum, the arrival of a slow cooker and the departure of the bread machine, a bit of journalism, plenty of sewing, quite a bit of knitting and numerous cakes.  Olivia took up the French Horn and Cam became a teenager.  I don't think there'll ever be another year like it for testing me, challenging me and rewarding me.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Where I was in previous years:
2011
2010
2009
2008
2007